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Share-Care

Q:  We are thinking about getting involved in a share-care.  What insight can you offer on this method of childcare?  Additionally, what points should be raised for discussion with the other family?

In San Francisco (and most big cities), many of the families who settle here are ‘transplants’.  Their extended families could be as far as Europe, where they’ve left cousin companions and eager help behind.  Additionally, given the high cost of living, these families may be limited to having one child which can leave parents feeling guilty, or concerned about the resulting solitude.  While Daycares provide playmates and are the most affordable option, for good reason, parents worry about the health of their infants, and struggle with the inflexibility of the system.  Nannies can be far more flexible, and certainly decrease, if not eliminate, the possibility of spreading germs, but it’s no surprise that nannies are expensive.  If you decide to afford hiring a nanny, your little one will still be playing solo unless you want to spend more on tot-classes, or have an eager, active nanny happy to plan playdates.

Share-Cares, in my opinion, are the best of both avenues.  If your family needs regular care that coincides with a neighbor, friend, or personable acquaintance then sharing care may be the way to go.  Many families find that share-care is the most desirable route because they are able to create an extended family and afford a more experienced nanny.  A nanny who is able to manage multiples, is likely able to do much more than just that…like juggle laundry, make baby food, tidy kitchen and play areas, develop a healthy routine, and potty train as well (to name a few).  It’s also worth realizing that a relationship will form between the sharing families.  Your little one will become comfortable, and quite close, with the family you choose to include in your circle of trust.  It may go without saying, but the most valuable aspect of a share-care is the inevitable bond that grows between your babies.

To ensure that all runs smoothly, it may be worth discussing some, if not many of the points below:

Sickness:

  • When baby is sick, are parents expected to pull from share?  Consider…Babies may have already shared the bug before it manifests.
  • When nanny is sick, how will care be handled?  Share, or separate?  Outside help, or take turns covering?
  • Will nanny be given sick days?  3 days (with as much notice as possible), is generous.
  • If someone from host family is sick, can share-care be moved to other home?

Vacation:

  • When family vacations, are they responsible for full-time pay?  If NOT, how much notice should the family give?
  • OR, Weekly Salary
  • When nanny vacations, how will care be handled?  Share, or separate?  Outside help, or take turns covering?
  • Will nanny be given vacation days?  2 weeks, is generous.  And, if SO, how much notice does she need to give?

Pay:

  • Rate for regular share hours?
  • Rate for one baby?
  • Rate for one baby during share hours?  Assuming 1 family pulls from share…visitors, appointments, vacation, sickness…are they responsible for full share rate?
  • When is nanny paid?  Weekly?  Bi-monthly?
  • OR, Weekly Salary?  How many hours a week?
  • Will you all be filing taxes?
  • Bonus?  Christmas, mid-year, end of year…?

 *Perks like vacation days, sick days, and/or bonuses are nice incentives to guarantee you have a reliable nanny.

You may also want to talk with the share family in regards to baby products (or perks) you may consider sharing like:

  • diapers
  • wipes
  • ointment
  • pain reliever
  • formula
  • baby food
  • nanny food
  • energy bill
  • bus pass
  • stroller
  • 2nd crib (or pack n’ play)

…which brings up the discussion of where the babies will be cared for…The best thing about being the host family is that your baby doesn’t have to come and go from his home, so there is no commute.  You should feel comfortable asking for laundry done, dishes clean, and some tidying, assuming the babies are content.  It’s also nice to be the guest family because you have the option to work from home, and come and go without worrying you might disturb the babies.  You also have less baby gear to manage.  If you wanted, the nanny may consider picking-up and/or bringing baby home, but you’d have to consider compensation.  I’m sure the families I’ve cared for would have more to add to the pros and cons…In most cases it’s obvious which roles should be assumed, or families remain flexible.

Share-cares can be rewarding on so many levels if everyone can agree on common goals ;)


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Cry It Out

Q:  “Crying it out, is not working for us.  Am I doing something wrong?  Is there any way we can modify this method?” –Mom of 14 week old

The quick and easy answer is no, you’re probably not doing anything wrong.  Your baby’s response to being left to soothe her self is likely a result of what she’s used to and dependent upon how drastic the change is.  If your infant has gotten used to sleeping on your chest and feeding on the hour you may want to ease into the new routine.

There are a few approaches you can take to the “cry it out” method, but the most important, and best thing you can do for your baby is remain consistent – Don’t juggle too many techniques, try a half-dozen places, or quit before you’ve really tried, this may cause the problem to escalate. And don’t allow your infant to dictate the rules…Mom and Dad are more qualified.  DO develop a pattern/techniques/atmosphere she can count on, and stick with it.

1.  For starters, set the mood – Let go of any negativity toward the past, your baby can and will learn to sleep 12hrs through the night – on her own. Now is a good time to introduce a security blanket (aka lovey) in the corner of the crib.  Eventually the lovey will act as a bedtime trigger.  Sound machines are great for this same reason, and also eliminate the possibility of waking due to noise. Both the lovey and sound machine will help to create an atmosphere that can travel with your baby to maintain consistency.

2.  Begin your bedtime routine between 6-7p – bath, book, swaddle, bottle/breast (burp)…or whatever you’ve decided will be your regular routine…

Before laying baby down offer the pacifier, then rock/soothe until she’s calm with heavy eyelids.  Lay her in her own crib, sleepy and soothed, but awake.

I’ve found it helps to say, “night night” or some verbal bedtime trigger as they’re drifting off.

3.  If she NEEDS, you can soothe her by sitting beside the crib, rubbing her back, or patting her bum & shsh’ing where she lies.  Grunts and little fusses are normal and don’t need rescuing.  If the fussing escalates and she begins to cry, either while you’re in the room, or 10min after you leave you can…

A. Walk/Stay out of the room. You’re done…hands off.

- I use this method on infants who don’t respond well to my soothing techniques.  These babies can be strong-willed and stubbornly attached to their “old” ways.  OR they simply prefer solitude to someone “messing” with them and are ready to self-soothe.  (An hour of crying in your arms may only last 30min in their crib.)  They tend to cry more/rev back up if I go into them. I’ve found many babies are better off on their own, without interference.

B. Go in to your baby at increasing increments of time.

After 10min of crying, go in. Give pacifier, and try soothing her with one goal in mind – to calm her where she lies…don’t talk, play, or send mixed signals. If she doesn’t calm LIMIT YOURSELF TO LESS THEN 5MIN OF TRYING and walk out…

Next visit after 20min crying…then 30min…40min…do not take her out…change a poop in the crib if you have to.

The idea is that she begins to realize, “If I had to cry that long last time…I’m going to have to cry even longer this time…And I’m not leaving this crib until I sleep. Is it really worth it? Maybe I should try to soothe myself…” Consistency is key in teaching this.

- I use this method most often, for a ‘typical’ baby, but if I start feeling my visits only recharge the baby for more protest, I resort to method A.

C. Pat/Shsh OR pick-up & Rock/Soothe until baby is calm.

When your baby’s cries begin to escalate, intervene.  Offer pacifier, pat & shsh where they lie, &/or (if you have to) pick them up and soothe until baby is calm…relaxed…lay down awake. You’ll then lay beside her crib, or close by in a chair. When she revs up again, pat/sh or rock/soothe until calm…lay down awake. Stay in room. Repeat this process over and over (literally, dozens of times) until you lay her down awake and she drifts off to sleep on her own.

You might soothe her 20 times the first night…15, the second…10, the third…5…4…3…2…1

- I use this method for colic babies, tiny babies, sensitive babies…teething, constipated, or sick babies. The idea, is for them to realize that there are limits to how much rescuing they receive.  Once your baby is soothed, and calm, she should not NEED to be held in order to sleep.

That all said…

A, B, or C…Choose a method that works for YOU and your family. Consistency is key and all babies are different so don’t feel badly if you don’t do things exactly as your sister or a friend. It’s also SUPER important that you believe in your method. Babies read us more than they’re given credit for. Know in your heart that she CAN SOOTHE HERSELF BY 12 WEEKS!…she just doesn’t know how…yet.

I suggest selecting ONE; however, if you want to begin with C and work your way towards A (C-B-A), go for it, but DO NOT try the reverse A-B-C (that may teach your infant that she dictates the rules).

Let’s be real…Standing, rocking, & mid-night visits cannot last forever…Neither can co-sleeping.  Teaching your baby to self-soothe is the first step towards sleeping through the night.

Independence is not neglect, it’s a gift.

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Baby Email

Heeello!  Yes, I know, it’s been so long…too long.  Although I haven’t been posting, I have been writing, and look forward to sharing more often in the weeks to come.

In tribute of my absence I wanted to start by sharing a brilliant idea which is especially useful to people who live far from family and friends, and rely on technology to keep in touch. Set up an email account for your baby, and create a time capsule your child can keep with them forever and always!  No, of course they can’t read now, but you can, and they will.  How cool would it be to read an email from Grandma after her first visit, from a distant Auntie who’s thinking of baby, or a message from Daddy away on business.  I guarantee you’ll find a number of reasons to email your baby!  Below is an email I sent to a baby girl I care for regularly.  Hope it sparks some inspiration!

Subject: 1st boo boo

Molly Dolly!

Hello sweet girl!  I’m sending you this message while I listen to you chatter in your cribby, and sing your ‘Lamby Love’ to sleep.  After a tough day yesterday, I’m happy to report you’ve had a “happy ” morning.  When you woke (like clockwork), you asked for “milk,please,” were patient while I dressed you, and were “wow’d” by the window before I brought you downstairs.  You proclaimed, “Morning” to Mommy who was home to cuddle and talk with you while you ate apple yogurt and oatmeal…You love your “apples” and are such a good eater ;)  After we cleaned up, it was time to “rock n’ roll” to Jamaroo!  So we laced up your 1st new pink “shoes,” blew kisses to Mommy…”mmmwuh!” and headed out into the sunshine.  Everyone greeted you as we strolled into Jamaroo and commented on your pretty new outfit.  There were 3 friends in class today, whom you showed it was fun to play and sing with the teacher.  You’re an enthusiastic audience, and always clap and cheer when you hear a great song ;)  Your favorite by far is:

Hello, hello, hello, and how are you?

I’m fine, I’m fine, and I hope that you are too.

It’s time, it’s time, it’s time for Jamaroo.

We’ll sing, and we’ll dance, and we’ll read some stories too.

After playing pretend at the Farmer’s Market, sailing the high seas, counting, and stacking, you said, “bye bye!” and requested a “bagel.”  Surprised you were hungry, but eager to please, we walked to Noah’s on Fillmore to munch on a cinnamon raisin bagel.  You asked for “water, please,” from a big girl cup and were super friendly to anyone who made eye contact.  Recently, I could swear your asking, “How are you?”  The “park” was wet after a few days of rain, but we stopped to “swing” a bit, then went for a walk on Union Street…up Polk Street…and back to “Molly’s house!”  Because you finished most of your bagel you weren’t too hungry for lunch, but ate some “cauliflower” and “sweet potato” to fill up your belly before nap time.

Dolly, you are almost 16mos old and smarter than a 2yr old…It’s true!  You never stop impressing your Aunt Didi (and everyone else around you).  I am so proud of the awesome baby girl that you are!  Which is why…it was so sad for me when you stumbled yesterday and bumped your mouth on the leg of the kitchen table…”OOOUUCH!”  When I scooped you up you put your head on my shoulder, but only cried for a minute.  Like the trooper that you are, you sat in your high chair sucking on ice while I gently cleaned you up.  It was the first time you had a big fall, so Mommy, Daddy, and Didi were a little shook up.  The doctor came to check on you and is concerned your boo boo will turn into a scar, but it’s tiny, and we all know nothing can take away from such a gorgeous girl!

Today is a new day, and your back to yourself…my happy little buddy I can’t stop kissing…

With all my love,

Aunt Didi

XOXO

*…and I’m happy to report there is no scar.

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EASY routine

This is taken from an email I’ve sent to a few of my new mom friends!  It’s typically one of the first things I send to someone asking for advice about their newborn because it’s sort of like “updating your computer,” haha…but seriously, if your newborn isn’t eating and sleeping as much as he or she needs, then that’s likely the problem.  The trouble is, it can be overwhelming to think of fitting in all those feeds, and for how long, and then what about sleep, and when do I sleep?  Plus your brain’s all goo, so, this is why EASY makes it easier.

One of my favorite books on newborn and infant-toddler care, that is, until I write my own, is “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” (Though, every book has it’s flaws, b/c each child truly is unique.)  You’ll find pacifying your baby has less to do with tricks and atmosphere and more to do with consistency and routine (this will continue throughout his toddler years).  Of course, a few helpful tricks and tips never hurt.

Between 0-4mos most newborns like to be swaddled to sleep, laid on his back or left side, and is likely comfortable in the most womb like scenario.  If he develops a routine he will be a happier baby because he’ll know what he can count on.  This is how babies develop trust.  In a perfect world, by 3mos, his routine should be EASY.  Leading up to 3mos baby may eat 3oz every 2hrs, and sleep 45min every 45min, but this is the goal…

Eating every 3 hours (~4oz) -lasting ~1hr for each feeding

Activity: talking/singing, mobile, “tummy time”…diaper change, books, swaddling (soothing) -lasting ~30min

Sleeping every 1.5hrs -lasting ~1.5hrs

You nap, shower, chores, etc.

Below is a healthy timeline for a breastfeeding 2-3mos old:

4-5a: eat (4oz bottle, or breast)

5-7a: sleep

7-8a: eat

8-8:30a: activity (swaddling/soothing by 8:15a)

8:30-10a: sleep

10-11a: eat

11-11:30a: activity (s/s by 11:15a)

11:30-1p: sleep

1-2p: eat

2-2:30p: activity (s/s by 2:15p)

2:30-4p: sleep

4-5p: eat

5-5:30p: activity

5:30-6p: sleep (Usually a “snappy nappy,” it varies, anywhere from 0-45min depending on what you think he needs.  Walks are good at this time of day, but cover him up, too much stimulation late in the day could make him over tired and difficult. Baby should be sleeping 4-5hrs a day…Anything less than 45min is not a nap, more than 3hrs is too long, and confusing day for night-time, plus he has to eat.  If he is awake from 4p, try to put him down closer to 6:30p

6-6:15p: bath or bedtime routine

6:15-7:15p: eat (~5oz, often newborns will “cluster feed” at night, drinking anywhere from 4-5oz throughout the day and especially more before bed is ideal)

7:15-10p: sleep

10p: dream feed 3-4oz bottle (While Baby’s sleeping.  This is good for Dad to do…especially b/c you’ll phase this feeding out by 6mos)

1a: If baby wakes at 1a (before 4a), consider his day, if he ate well (~25oz in 24hrs) soothe with a pacifier back to sleep (dad may have more luck)…If he needs to eat, feed him just until he’s back to sleep…you want to phase out this feeding first.

ideally, 11-4a: sleep 

4-5a: eat

5-7a: sleep

and the EASY cycle begins again…

Final words…

Keep track of how much baby eats, sleeps, and poops.  Printing this schedule may help, but focus more on the routine and less on the times.

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Tummy Time

Q:  I don’t do as much tummy time as I think I am supposed to.   Am I impeding my baby’s ‘rolling over’ time frame?  He doesn’t even really try yet…When ‘SHOULD’ babies roll over?”  -Mom of 11 week old

This friend of mine went on to say that her son doesn’t like tummy time so she has him lay on her chest to practice lifting his head.  Additionally, she and her husband have been taking turns repositioning the baby through the night because “he is literally on the opposite side of the crib & SIDEWAYS!”  They also find him clutching his “lovey.”  She concludes her email with, “Normal?”  The answer is, Yes.

Many caregivers have witnessed this same dislike during the dreaded “tummy time.”  If baby’s frustrated during tummy time, he won’t try rolling from belly to back; one reason being, he simply doesn’t realize it’s the best way out of his predicament, aside from calling out to you.  But it seems with all that scooting at night, he may find himself rocking from back to belly.  Rolling happens at first by accident.  Best that he’s prepared to handle without help should he succeed.

colleen lavelle photography

Tummy Time is a necessary activity for developing strong stomach, back, neck and arm muscles.   It is not only important for rolling over, but for all of baby’s first milestones…Lifting his head, pushing up, sitting, and eventually walking.  Until they can learn to be in a relaxed state on their tummy your baby won’t have any interest in doing much more than fussing.  If baby hasn’t practiced tummy time and manages to roll in the middle of the night, you can expect complaints.  Whereas, once your baby is comfortable on their tummy and has the strength to roll, it is safe to leave them should you find they prefer it.  (Confirm with your pediatrician.)

Most, if not all babies, grunt through tummy time and may fuss the first 2-3mos while they’re getting the hang of it.  A little crying is ok, but tummy time really doesn’t need to last more than 5min, 3-4 times a day (more if your baby’s up for the challenge).  The best time for this activity is when he’s rested and fed (but wait at least 10min after feeding).

It is important that he gets this time, so try putting a small pillow or rolled-up blanket under his armpits where he rests on his chest.  Leave his hands free, out in front if you can (he’ll eventually do a push-up).  I often get right down to their level and do some tummy time myself while I distract and play with the babies.  He won’t intentionally roll until around 4mos, maybe later…But you’ll be glad you practiced tummy time when your un-swaddled acrobat kicks from back to belly in the middle of the night and knows how to handle it.

In regards to the mid-night baby acrobatics…Leave a content baby.  It is totally normal for him to scoot around the crib through the night…He’ll do this his whole baby life, so unless you plan to reposition your toddler in the middle of the night, I’d let him go.  You don’t want him developing a dependency on you to “tuck him in” in the middle of the night.  You won’t notice now, but as his sleep patterns change, you could be disrupting his sleep.  Encourage independence as best you can throughout the night.

Lastly, it’s perfectly normal for him to gravitate toward the “lovey.”  By 3mos, a small blanket, or stuffed animal tucked in the corner is nothing to fear.  If left in the crib and given only for sleeping, it can become a security blanket, and a bedtime trigger…Much better than a mid-night tuck-in.

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Flash Forward

So, I have several mom friends, with toddlers, wondering how the information I offer on sleep might translate to the little loves of their lives.  Whether your baby is newly born, or old enough to hop out of her bed and into yours, the approach you take to help your child sleep through the night is similar.  My goal is to help you establish a solid foundation for your child by developing a sleep pattern, healthy diet, and independence which will mature, but in many ways remain consistent.

Watching newborns develop into toddlers in over 2 dozen different homes has helped me to realize the effects that different parenting styles can have on a child.  There are countless reasons a 3-year-old would be influenced to wake in the night.  There are far fewer reasons why a newborn wakes in the night.  And this, is why I choose to write about newborns.

I learn something new everyday I spend with a child.  However, one thing remains constant, the sooner we can imagine the goals we wish to reach with these little ones, the sooner we can help them to achieve.  A clear goal from the beginning, is to have your child sleeping 12hrs through the night.  That said, my response to a mom asking about a sleepless toddler would begin the same way…

  • Does your little one have consistency?  -meals  -nap  -bedtime routine (bath, milk, book, bed)
  • Are they eating well throughout the day?
  • Having regular bowel movements?
  • Soothing them self to sleep in their own bed?

If the answer to these questions are all “Yes” then my hunch is that you may have fallen into some “accidental parenting.”  This could have begun either while your child was teething, going through a sickness, or experiencing a transition.  These are the most common set backs parents face after getting through the newborn stage.  Often times, a good sleeper can turn into a midnight prowler if they depend on you beyond these bouts of need.

While you may believe it to be a phase they grow out of once you can tell them it’s time for bed, the truth is, they are more attached to their “waking routine” with each passing night.  Your baby, and the rest of the human population, is “addicted to love.”  This is not a bad thing, but addictions need to be managed, and eventually boundaries need to be set.

If your child is 1, 2, 3 years old, and waking in the night, bedtime can be daunting, when it should be a time of restoration for your family.  I tell parents struggling with waking toddlers to be as boring, direct, and hands off as possible when going into their child at night.  Singing, rocking, milk, and bringing your baby to bed are activities your toddler will look forward to as they drift off to sleep.  They don’t have any plans for the morning, and so, see no reason why they shouldn’t party all night.

It’s my opinion that parents have difficulty at night because this is when they are most vulnerable; desperate for their child to sleep, and willing to do anything so they can get rest.  If your child’s fallen into a pattern of waking, you want to break this, and teach them night-time is for sleeping, and nothing more.  There will be a few sleepless nights while your practicing, and it will take patience (more so as your child ages), but your family will be rewarded in the long run.

If I were your nanny, I would wait for the baby to cry out 10-15min…Go in, lay them down, and tell them it’s bedtime…”Your done sleeping when the sun comes up.”  There’s no harm in rubbing their back, or even sh’shing and patting (as I do for infants), but keep them in their bed…Repeat each time they call out (could be 12 times the first night…8 times the second…5 the third…3 times…).  Remember, a 1yr old grows quickly to a 2yr old, and soon, holding them won’t be an option.

It may seem you’re falling back before you move forward because your establishing a new set of rules.  Show them that there is nothing you can offer in the night, but encouragement to sleep on their own.  Depending on the age of your child, it can take anywhere from 3 days to a week for your child to catch on, but they will become disinterested in the night-time visits and eventually give up on calling out. 

If your child is waking every 2hrs, or has learned to sleep in your bed, and won’t relax if you leave the room, a weeks worth of sleepovers in your child’s room may be necessary to break the pattern.  But the “rules” remain the same.  If staying in their room only provokes them to ask for you, show them a consequence by leaving the room.  Though they will likely cry, remember that you are doing them a favor by giving them independence and the ability to sleep soundly through the night.

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Night Owls

Q: My baby wakes hourly throughout the night. Do you have any suggestions on dealing with a 17 day old who will simply not sleep at night? -Mom of 2 week old

It can feel like you’re reaching a level of desperation when your newborn isn’t sleeping well through the night. But with the right routine and a little practice this phase will pass.

You may think you have a good sleeper because he naps 2-3 hours each stretch, but as he begins to come out of his newly-born haze, you may find he’s awake on the hour through the night, and irregular. The solution to this problem is to help your night owl realize the difference between night and day. The simplest way to do this is to practice a routine.

At just 2 weeks he should be Nursing every 2-3hrs throughout the day. An 8lb baby should be eating ~20oz in a 24hr period. (More for larger, more mature bellies.)

If he’s fed well throughout the day, he is less likely to wake in the night. To schedule feedings, write down the exact time you begin feeding, and plan to feed again 2hrs from that time (ex. 7a, 9a, 11a, 1p, 3p, 5p, 7p). When you’re baby is getting 2.5oz from each feed, you can begin to space out your feedings closer to 3hrs (working his way towards 4oz+ feedings by 10-12 weeks). Many newborns take up to an hour to nurse. That said, make sure your baby is getting full feeds, and not ‘snacking.’

If he’s sleeping much more than 2hrs at a time during the day without waking to nurse, he may begin confusing day for night. As you approach 3hrs since baby’s last feed, I recommend waking newborns to nurse during the day.

While he is sleeping, it’s important to practice laying him in his crib or bassinet as you would during the night, so that he can find comfort in the consistency. Though written for the Mom of a 4 week old, reading the post on Napping may help in regulating daytime sleep.

Through the night (7p-7a), do your best to limit feedings to every 3hrs+. Assuming baby nursed last at 7p before bedtime, wait to feed until 10p, 1a, 4a…Then begin the day again with 2hr feeds at 7a, 9a…Techniques discussed in the Solo Sleepers post may also help you to get your little one sleeping through the night with fewer wake-ups and fewer feeds.

Your baby’s stomach will mature quickly, as will his sleep patterns. As early as 6 weeks, you may find you’re feeding 3.5oz every 3hrs throughout the day, and able to drop the 1a feed. Your ultimate goal is to have an EASY routine (see post) by 10 weeks…It’s never too early to start working towards a healthy goal!

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Sensitive Tummies

Q:  The doctor says my baby has an immature digestive system. How can I help pacify my baby with reflux?   -Mom of 7 week old

Whether your breastfeeding or formula feeding, there’s always a chance your baby is born with a sensitive tummy, or immature digestive system.  This may cause discomfort ranging from constant spit up to constipation.  After hearing about my friend’s baby boy who turned to prune juice before 8 weeks, I felt sad for little man and dug through my experiences of comforting babies with reflux, or colic, to offer some tips.

I have known little ones who’ve had simply sensitive tummies.  These babies nursed slowly, needed burping every ounce, and spit up often.  If you’re patient with sensitive tummies it shouldn’t cause you or your baby too much stress.  Just take the time to nurse (often up to an hour), burp, and prop baby upright while he digests.  Plenty of newborns will spit up which is another good reason why Eating precedes Activity and follows Sleep.  (see EASY routine post)

Whether your baby experiences gas pain, suffers from reflux or colic, there are similar Home Remedies which may help in pacifying your baby…

  • Do your best to keep constants in his routine to avoid any alternative problems (hunger, sleep, or overstimulation).
  • Gripe Water helps to calm irritation, contains natural ingredients, and can be given frequently.
  • Try different holds.  The bucket hold is done by facing baby out – back and head against your body, with their knees tucked up to their chest.  Or hold facing out with your forearm at his stomach.
  • To get things moving, or ease pains caused by constipation, you can also try bicycle kicks, or tucking his knees while he rests on his back.  Some gentle pressure on the stomach will ease pain as well as a warm bath.  Baby’s bowel movements should range from every 1-6 days.
  • Baby’s stomach is on the left side.  Rubbing here, beneath his ribs, helps to release air bubbles.  Try swaddling snuggly around his tummy, and lay on his left side for sleep.
  • You can elevate the head of your crib 2-3 inches or try a wedge to help with digestion as well.  (Tuna cans work well for elevating.)

colleen lavelle photography

Consult the pediatrician, if you’ve tried these home remedies, and your little one is still hollering in pain due to regular constipation, diarrhea, or excessive spit up.  Cutting out dairy may help with diarrhea while prune juice can create a bowel movement.  You may also want to ask your doctor about using Zantac.

The good news is, the digestive system will mature with age and you can expect a significant difference in your baby’s comfort level by 3 or 4 months.

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Sleeping Through the Night

Q:  “As a ‘sleep trainer,’ can you offer any advice in regards to helping Baby sleep through the night on his own?”  -Mom of 10 week old

So you’re coming up on 12 weeks and all the books and docs say baby’s ready to self soothe and sleep through the night. The hope is that by having practiced the EASY routine (see previous post), the transition will happen naturally.

You can begin the soothing for your baby by making sure he’s well fed.  By 3mos baby should be drinking between 24-36oz a day.  Ideally, your baby cluster-feeds before bedtime.

I recommend starting your bedtime routine by 6:15p – bath, swaddle, bottle, book, bed…or whatever you’ve decided on, but get that bottle as close to bedtime as you can (don’t forget to burp), and be as consistent as possible with this routine. Consistency is key.  Now is a good time to introduce a security blanket, but for now, keep it in the corner of the crib.  Eventually, the “lovey” will act as a bedtime trigger.  Sound machines, and swaddling are great for this same reason.

Before laying baby down, soothe until he’s sleepy, and lay him down with heavy eyelids by 7p in his crib…In a perfect world he’ll fall asleep soundly, but you may also hear grunts, fussing, or even some crying.  Now that he’s almost 3mos he CAN comfort himself, but he won’t believe it unless you do, so be sure you’re ready to have him “cry it out” if that’s what you choose to do, and stick to it.  Independence Is Not Neglect.  He may cry up to an hour the first night, maybe 30min second night, 15min…

If you feel he’s not ready, but want to show him the way, Solo Sleepers and Napping (previous posts) describe techniques I use from birth to make the self-soothing process as quick and easy as possible when the time comes.  I’d like to add: A good friend of mine who had been practicing a regular routine and encouraging her baby to sleep on his own, had her little one sleeping through the night by 8 weeks…It can be done.

Dreamfeed at 10p…Be as ‘invisible’ or stealth, as you can be; this is a great time to use a bottle.  I like using a “Boppy” pillow, or roll up a blanket and gently put it under their head and shoulders.  I let them rest in their crib, while I hold the bottle.  I wouldn’t recommend giving more than 6oz, unless he takes larger bottles regularly.

When/if he wakes in the night offer a pacifier.  Do your best to leave him in his crib and always try to encourage his independence. You can try patting his bum and shushing (pat & shush) him back to sleep or wiggling his crib.  Some babies respond to tickling their face, others prefer a hat over their eyes to shut out stimulation, or a sound machine.

If he makes it until 4a, I’d say you’ve all done well, and he deserves a bottle, then back to bed until his next feeding at 7a.  But, the ultimate goal is to push that 4a feeding to 6:30-7a.

Side Note:  If baby is used to eating 2-3 times throughout the night, you may need to gradually decrease the size of these feedings until he’s sucking on a pacifier back to sleep.  Should you need to pick him up, rock until he’s calm and lay him back down awake, if he cries (not grunt or fuss) again, repeat.  This could go on for awhile, but it does work…Or, you can have him cry it out, which works equally as well, if not better in most cases.

 

 

 

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EASY routine

This is taken from an email I’ve sent to a few of my new mom friends!  It’s typically one of the first things I send to someone asking for advice about their newborn because it’s sort of like “updating your computer,” haha…but seriously, if your newborn isn’t eating and sleeping as much as he or she needs, then that’s likely the problem.  The trouble is, it can be overwhelming to think of fitting in all those feeds, and for how long, and then what about sleep, and when do I sleep?  Plus your brain’s all goo, so, this is why EASY makes it easier.

One of my favorite books on newborn and infant-toddler care, that is, until I write my own, is “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” (Though, every book has it’s flaws, b/c each child truly is unique.)  You’ll find pacifying your baby has less to do with tricks and atmosphere and more to do with consistency and routine (this will continue throughout his toddler years).  Of course, a few helpful tricks and tips never hurt.

Between 0-4mos most newborns like to be swaddled to sleep, laid on his back or left side, and is likely comfortable in the most womb like scenario.  If he develops a routine he will be a happier baby because he’ll know what he can count on.  This is how babies develop trust.  In a perfect world, by 3mos, his routine should be EASY.  Leading up to 3mos baby may eat 3oz every 2hrs, and sleep 45min every 45min, but this is the goal…

Eating every 3 hours (~4oz) -lasting ~1hr for each feeding

Activity: talking/singing, mobile, “tummy time”…diaper change, books, swaddling (soothing) -lasting ~30min

Sleeping every 1.5hrs -lasting ~1.5hrs

You nap, shower, chores, etc.

Below is a healthy timeline for a breastfeeding 2-3mos old:

4-5a: eat (4oz bottle, or breast)

5-7a: sleep

7-8a: eat

8-8:30a: activity (swaddling/soothing by 8:15a)

8:30-10a: sleep

10-11a: eat

11-11:30a: activity (s/s by 11:15a)

11:30-1p: sleep

1-2p: eat

2-2:30p: activity (s/s by 2:15p)

2:30-4p: sleep

4-5p: eat

5-5:30p: activity

5:30-6p: sleep (Usually a “snappy nappy,” it varies, anywhere from 0-45min depending on what you think he needs.  Walks are good at this time of day, but cover him up, too much stimulation late in the day could make him over tired and difficult. Baby should be sleeping 4-5hrs a day…Anything less than 45min is not a nap, more than 3hrs is too long, and confusing day for night time, plus he has to eat.  If he is awake from 4p, try to put him down closer to 6:30p

6-6:15p: bath or bedtime routine

6:15-7:15p: eat (~5oz, often newborns will “cluster feed” at night, drinking anywhere from 4-5oz throughout the day and especially more before bed is ideal)

7:15-10p: sleep

10p: dream feed 3-4oz bottle (While Baby’s sleeping.  This is good for Dad to do…especially b/c you’ll phase this feeding out by 6mos)

1a: If baby wakes at 1a (before 4a), consider his day, if he ate well (~25oz in 24hrs) soothe with a pacifier back to sleep (dad may have more luck)…If he needs to eat, feed him just until he’s back to sleep…you want to phase out this feeding first.

ideally, 11-4a: sleep 

4-5a: eat

5-7a: sleep

and the EASY cycle begins again…

Final words…

Keep track of how much baby eats, sleeps, and poops.  Printing this schedule may help, but focus more on the routine and less on the times.

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Solo Sleepers

Q:  “I can rock my newborn to sleep, but as soon as I lay her down she’ll fuss.  How can I get her to sleep in her crib?”  -Mom of 6 week old

One of the problems almost all parents and caregivers run into, myself included, is resorting to rocking the baby to sleep then having trouble keeping them asleep while putting them down.  First, swaddling helps with this as well because it’s less disturbing to transfer a tight little package, I also like using sound machines if you live in a city or have a noisy toddler.  Otherwise, I view the process as gradually taking away the vices.

If I’m not minding a toddler as well, I like to start by standing in front of the crib, holding the baby in the position I’ll lay them down in.  If I’m using all my tricks; bouncing, patting, sh’shing and using a pacifier…I begin by slowing my bounce to standing once the baby is calm (not necessarily sleeping)…then I gradually quit patting…I rest in complete stillness, then gently place the baby in the crib while continuing to sh’sh.  Usually, I’ll keep my hands on them until they’ve settled.  If she stirs, I’d pat her bum until she was calm again and use the techniques I described in Napping – see previous post.

Should Baby rev back up, pick her up, soothe her, and try again.  Don’t give up if your baby needs to rest.  If you are consistent in your technique, patting and sh’shing can become sleep triggers and eventually they will get it.  The younger they are, the quicker they’ll learn, but the process can be similar with toddlers.  When she does get it, and is resting soundly, turn your sh’shing volume down and let the pacifier fall from her mouth.  I like to sit quietly in the nursery to be sure they don’t need help falling into a deep sleep, but don’t disturb them unless fussing begins to escalate…some grunting is normal and not to be confused with fussing.

While I’ll be the last person to tell you not to bond with your child, I have to say your child will eventually sleep more soundly in their crib.  As a newborn they are comfortable in the most womb like atmosphere…Sleeping on your chest will soothe them, and you should experience this, but know that eventually they must learn to sleep in their crib.  If baby continues to sleep on you, on their stomach, and are then expected to lay on their back on a firm mattress, alone, without any sort of transition, there will be complaints.

In the night:  If you feel it’s necessary to sleep with your child, and have a large enough bed…I know parents who have put the changing pad in the middle of the bed and had baby sleep there for a few nights, while transitioning.  Although it’s not what I would do, I do think it is a good idea.  I’d prefer fewer sleepless nights laying beside babies crib…This is what a sleep trainer or night nurse would do.

In regards to co-sleeping, think of the quality sleep you might get if the roles were reversed.  Baby will mature to a stage when your movements, and the noises around them will be more disruptive.  Bottom line, newborns are often exhausted, and learning to accept their new environments.  They will learn to sleep most anywhere you teach them to sleep.  Sooner or later they need to accept their independence, and let’s face it, rocking a toddler is back-breaking and sleeping with one is restless.

The more gradually you can present change, the more fluid the change will come.  It is not necessary to force change if you start from the beginning the way you intend to continue.  Practice putting them down at an early age soothed, but awake and on their way out.  If at first you don’t succeed…

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Napping

Q:  “My baby only naps 20-30min at a time, then randomly crashes for 4hrs.  How do I get him on a schedule so we can get out of the house?”  -Mom of 4 week old

If Baby sleeps 45min, consider that a full nap, though you should always try soothing him back to sleep, especially if he has slept just 20min.  It is normal for babies up to 24mos to stir/fuss every 40-50min as it’s part of their natural sleep cycle.  As they grow, this will mature, 20-30min will become 40-50min in just a few weeks, and rather than crying out, babies can eventually scootch, get comfy, and fall back to sleep.  This is the reason I prefer to swaddle newborns; twitching can wake them if they’re not in a deep, dreamless sleep.  Notice if Baby’s eyes are closed…He may be dreaming, not all crying means, “Come pick me up!”…it could mean, “Help soothe me so I can sleep,” which is normal for 0-12 weeks.

1 ½-2 hr Naptime (or more) is your goal.  The less you can take him in & out of his crib/stroller/basinet/swing, within this set time frame, the faster he’ll gain his independence and sleep well.  Teaching your baby to sleep can take a lot of time and patience.  Figuring out what soothes your child may be frustrating in the beginning, but you will get it if you “keep calm and carry on.”  Sometimes its as easy as a few glides of the stroller, vibration of a bouncy seat, or a few jiggles of the crib. 

The answer is not always to scoop them up and bounce, or feed them.  This also applies to waking in the night.  I often start with a pacifier, sh’shing and bum pats, which is why I also prefer positioning babies on their left side, facing away from me (if I can help it).  If this doesn’t work, and they aren’t hungry (having eaten a full feed within the last 2hrs), I try patting or rubbing their backs, stroking their face or hair, sometimes a hat over their eyes works if you feel they could be over stimulated.  Certainly, covering your stroller with a light blanket while your out is helpful.  I love “aden + anais” swaddling muslins.

If his nap is less than 45min, you’ve tried sh’shing and patting his bum where he lies…you’ve even tried rocking him in your arms…and you know he can’t be hungry, go ahead and get out…Try a walk if you’re well enough.  If you’re simply convinced Baby’s not sleeping, my ‘rule of thumb’ is to do a mellow activity for as long as they slept, and try again (ex. 20min sleep, 20min activity, sleep).  

When you manage to get your baby sleeping soundly, they may wish to sleep beyond 3hrs.  A nap lasting longer than 3hrs is too long; and will be the reason for their mistaking day for night.  Plus, Baby has to eat.  It is healthiest for your baby to be sleeping 4-6hrs per day, and eating ~25oz (including night feeds).  That said, be sure you’re newborn is well fed throughout the day to avoid wake-ups throughout the night, and is getting full feeds (nursing 40-50min) to avoid disrupted naps.  It’s helpful if you can get in the habit of writing down your newborns’s evolving routine.

Honestly, getting out is difficult while you’re practicing your routine.  But once you develop a pattern, you’ll discover windows of opportunity to meet with friends or take an older sibling to the park.  Practice does make perfect, but there is no harm in having a flexible baby.  If his schedule’s off because you want to visit grandma, don’t stress.  Try to get him used to his crib, but if he sleeps in the stroller, car, or bouncy seat and is getting a solid nap that’s great!  Flexible is good, but know at his young age, consistency is key…This balance you’ll have to feel for yourself (How much is too much?). 

And finally, sleep begets sleep.

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Everyone’s Opinions

Mom, sister, in-laws, your childless nanny friend, even strangers on the street.  Everyone has an opinion…And everyone’s got something to add; meanwhile, you are your toughest critic.  Dozens of books contradicting the docs then Dr. Drew and pregnant teens when you turn on the TV -“Good God!  How are they affording all this GEAR!?”  The point is, while all these tools will help, tremendously if used correctly, I am a firm believer that if you practice patience, trust your instincts, love and listen to your baby, the windows of opportunity to nurture your child will open naturally.

At the end of the day, your baby is a human being just like any of us, and their behavior will be a reflection of your own.  It’s all relative; thoughts, emotion, pain, comfort, energy…are all innate capabilities of your newborn, just as a calf can walk.  Though they will rely on you to develop trust, independence, respect, speech…babies are perfectly unique, just as you and I, and each is intelligent in their own way.  There is no single book, or one single person who can tell you how to raise your child.  Between you and your partner, they are very much your own.  Parenting is not an easy quest, but it is yours, it will reward you, and you are best qualified for it.

The differences in opinion may be as different as you and I.  So, for what it’s worth, absorb as much knowledge as you can, but know that there are many views, and there are multiple paths, which will lead you and your family to success.  The advice offered here, is thoughtfully considered, consistently effective, and are the methods and techniques I use when fostering infants and toddlers.

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Independence Is Not Neglect

Independence:  Besides the bottle, there are a few ways to encourage independence at an early age without compromising baby’s sense of security.  The first, and in my opinion most important habit to practice, is (maybe, surprisingly) putting baby down.

Countless parents have said:  “Our second is easier than the first,” and even more often, “Our third child is a dream.”  For good reason, parents often coddle, coo, and borderline obsess over their first child.  By the time they have their second child, they not only have a better understanding of the baby’s needs, but they literally may not have the same time to worry about a content baby, in which case, baby number two develops more independence.

Solo Sleeper:  An independent baby is also a better sleeper, and a good sleeper makes for a happy baby.  Helping baby to sleep on her own is a positive way to further encourage independence.  While they adjust from the constant motion of the womb, to the stillness of their crib, content moments may be few and far between at first, but let them be in those peaceful moments and be mindful of a ‘dream’ versus waking in hunger.  To simulate the womb try swaddling, a positioner, &/or a sound machine.

Though newborns are not fully capable of soothing themselves until 12 weeks, it is never too early to show them the way.  By keeping your newborn on a routine (EASY – see previous post) they begin to learn what to expect.  Never underestimate your baby; habits often develop quickly, so get them off on the right start.  If they know it’s time to sleep, they’re more likely to oblige…the same applies to eating.


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Hiring a Nanny

Q:  “I need to hire help.  What types of questions should I ask potential nannies and/or regular babysitters?”  -Mom of 8 week old

I’m sure many of these questions will be covered outside of the boundaries I set here.  The potential caregiver may also offer information without you having to ask; and some answers may be obvious after hearing a response from a previous question, but I think all questions are worth noting, even if not addressed directly.

VIA EMAIL – the necessities: (Here, you want to determine whether or not needs will be met, and to get a ‘feel’ for the nanny’s abilities.)

You may want to type something like:  “…wanted to ask a handful of questions – some are not ‘dealbreakers’ for us, but may influence arrangements we’ll need to make with regards to our baby’s care.  Please include anything additional you’d like to share.”

 1.  What is your flexibility, availability, preferred hours?    

2.  Are you TB tested, CPR & First Aid, &/or Trustline Certified or willing to become so?

3.  Can you send a brief summary, or provide a resume of your experience with infants &/or toddlers?  Would you be able to provide great references when/if we meet?

4.  What, if any, other household duties would you be comfortable taking on?  baby related, as well as non-baby related (helping with family meals while baby sleeps, tidying kitchen, laundry…)

5.  What kind of activities would you do with a 6mos old? 12mos old?

6.  Do you smoke?  Drink?

7.  Do you have any health related problems that would prevent you from doing this job?

VIA PHONE – getting to know: (Try to avoid a conversation that involves listing of past experience, it gets confusing with multiple candidates and should have been covered via email.  Your goal here is to see if you could have a relationship with this nanny…think of it as dating ;)

1.  Where do you live in the city?  Since when?  

2.  Can you drive?  How will you travel to work? 

3.  What do you like to do in your spare time?  

4.  What was your last childcare experience?  Why did it end?

5.  Why did you decide to start working with children?  Why continue?

6.  How long could you commit to working with our family?

7.  Do you have any questions for us?

+ any questions prompted from email.

FACE-TO-FACE- chemistry: (You may know right away, but others may take some coaxing to open up…I’d offer tea or water, the more comfortable she is, the more likely she is to be honest and real, especially with the baby.  If you’re comfortable, ask if she’d like to hold the baby.)

1.  What do you think children like best about you?  

2.  What do you like best about children?

3.  Do friends and family support your being a Nanny?

4.  Are you married or in a relationship?

5.  What do you like most about yourself?  What would you like to improve on?

6.  Can you give an example of a problem you’ve had with a child, and how you handled it?

7.  Have you ever had to handle an emergency?

8.  Do you have any questions for us?

+ any questions prompted from phone or email.  This is also a good time to talk about scheduling, flexibility, & availability if it’s unclear.*

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Introducing the Bottle

Q:  “I have to be back at work by 8 weeks.  Any tips for getting my baby on the bottle by then?”  -Expecting Mom

If you’re heading back to work and breast pumping, OR simply want the option to bottle-feed:  Introduce the bottle as early as 2 weeks; after baby has gotten a better handle on breastfeeding, but before she begins an attachment to the breast.  While baby’s practicing, offer a 2-3oz bottle <2hrs after the previous feed; try the bottle once a day, or even every other day.  I like “Dr. Brown’s.”  (Don’t forget to sterilize and use Level 1 nipples.) 

Having trouble:  DO NOT force the bottle if baby becomes frustrated; instead, try distraction by walking, rocking, looking out the window, or in the mirror feeding simultaneously.  If baby is crying, wait until she’s calm to try again, but DO try again, it may take some patience and practice.  Baby may also suck some air, so don’t forget to BURP.

Because your newborn can both sense, and smell Mom, Dad may have more ‘luck’.  Alternatively, Mom can also try facing baby out, or holding baby in a different way than she’s cradled while breastfeeding.

The most beneficial time to use the bottle is during “temporary” feedings (temporary = 10p, 1a, 4a – eventually dropped), but practice during the day…You don’t want a struggle in the middle of the night.  Many moms find it easier to breastfeed during the night for obvious reasons (they don’t have to get out of bed to make a bottle), but by 6 weeks I strongly encourage using a bottle.  Not only so Dad can help, but also because babies can develop a dependency on the breast, and contact with mom, making sleeping through the night more difficult to achieve.  It’s easier to wean a baby from the bottle in the night than breast, when they’re ready to sleep through.

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EASY routine

This is taken from an email I’ve sent to a few of my new mom friends!  It’s typically one of the first things I send to someone asking for advice about their newborn because it’s sort of like “updating your computer,” haha…but seriously, if your newborn isn’t eating and sleeping as much as he or she needs, then that’s likely the problem.  The trouble is, it can be overwhelming to think of fitting in all those feeds, and for how long, and then what about sleep, and when do I sleep?  Plus your brain’s all goo, so, this is why EASY makes it easier.

One of my favorite books on newborn and infant-toddler care, that is, until I write my own, is “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” (Though, every book has it’s flaws, b/c each child truly is unique.)  You’ll find pacifying your baby has less to do with tricks and atmosphere and more to do with consistency and routine (this will continue throughout his toddler years).  Of course, a few helpful tricks and tips never hurt.

Between 0-4mos most newborns like to be swaddled to sleep, laid on his back or left side, and is likely comfortable in the most womb like scenario.  If he develops a routine he will be a happier baby because he’ll know what he can count on.  This is how babies develop trust.  In a perfect world, by 3mos, his routine should be EASY.  Leading up to 3mos baby may eat 3oz every 2hrs, and sleep 45min every 45min, but this is the goal…

Eating every 3 hours (~4oz) -lasting ~1hr for each feeding

Activity: talking/singing, mobile, “tummy time”…diaper change, books, swaddling (soothing) -lasting ~30min

Sleeping every 1.5hrs -lasting ~1.5hrs

You nap, shower, chores, etc.

Below is a healthy timeline for a breastfeeding 2-3mos old:

4-5a: eat (4oz bottle, or breast)

5-7a: sleep

7-8a: eat

8-8:30a: activity (swaddling/soothing by 8:15a)

8:30-10a: sleep

10-11a: eat

11-11:30a: activity (s/s by 11:15a)

11:30-1p: sleep

1-2p: eat

2-2:30p: activity (s/s by 2:15p)

2:30-4p: sleep

4-5p: eat

5-5:30p: activity

5:30-6p: sleep (Usually a “snappy nappy,” it varies, anywhere from 0-45min depending on what you think he needs.  Walks are good at this time of day, but cover him up, too much stimulation late in the day could make him over tired and difficult. Baby should be sleeping 4-5hrs a day…Anything less than 45min is not a nap, more than 3hrs is too long, and confusing day for night time, plus he has to eat.  If he is awake from 4p, try to put him down closer to 6:30p

6-6:15p: bath or bedtime routine

6:15-7:15p: eat (~5oz, often newborns will “cluster feed” at night, drinking anywhere from 4-5oz throughout the day and especially more before bed is ideal)

7:15-10p: sleep

10p: dream feed 3-4oz bottle (While Baby’s sleeping.  This is good for Dad to do…especially b/c you’ll phase this feeding out by 6mos)

1a: If baby wakes at 1a (before 4a), consider his day, if he ate well (~25oz in 24hrs) soothe with a pacifier back to sleep (dad may have more luck)…If he needs to eat, feed him just until he’s back to sleep…you want to phase out this feeding first.

ideally, 11-4a: sleep 

4-5a: eat

5-7a: sleep

and the EASY cycle begins again…

Final words…

Keep track of how much baby eats, sleeps, and poops.  Printing this schedule may help, but focus more on the routine and less on the times.

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getting started

hello friends!

i hope you find this blog so useful and that it helps to maximize our time to talk about all the positive things in your lives.  i want this to be a place where moms (dads, and nannies) can raise concerns, ask questions, or just vent about the obstacles we, as caregivers, experience day to day (you’re still free to email me too!).  the stories of frustration, confusion, and loneliness that i’ve entered into during my years as a nanny have led me to assume that my own friends, and a much larger group of people, might benefit from my experience, and from one another’s.

as you know, who are aware of this newborn site, i have been a nanny for over 10 years.  since realizing that i wanted to make this passion a career, i’ve been devoted to providing exceptional newborn care by learning from doulas and night nurses, picking up tips from lactation consultants, and researching the subject on my own.  my primary concern has, and always will be for the babies in our lives.  my advice is based on what i feel is best for baby…what you do with it; forget it, follow it, adjust it, is entirely up to you…

at the end of the day, you’re the mama.